


there are ways to kill somebody (other than physically)

by homumado



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Introspection, Rebellion, literally wrote this at 3am with no sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 01:07:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9049174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homumado/pseuds/homumado
Summary: before she went to sleep she counted ways to die instead of sheep.





	

before it happened: a chorus, a precise chorus that screamed "you are the witch you are the witch you are the monster" and something that sounded like "you don't deserve to see her one last time"

and then something else that said "just one more time" and

then it's silence.

the first thing that comes after it happens is a dizzying green, it's all a sheer vertigo and all at once you are younger smaller unscarred in such a way you don't recognize the way your limbs feel every movement the small wisp of a breath you let yourself take in - it's all nausea and human, too-human (did you not cease to be a human long ago?) that you're distracted but then

but then. but then you feel her eyes on you, and it's always been a unique heated quality to her stare - not emanating from her own eyes, but coming from the reaction it brings from you the instinctual goosebumps and pinpricks of heat on the back of your neck - you feel her eyes on you. not only do you feel the eyes, but you feel the angle, feel the direction so you turn up.

rarely can you ever bring yourself to say her name - it is something too precious, something you can't desecrate by letting it erupt from your rib cage and roll up your throat out of your mouth in sinful syllables -

(and no that is a lie. that is a lie because you too can be overly indulgent and so on some occasions you repeat her name to yourself over and over again in different intonations different voices different situations playing in your head on loop because you like to remind yourself that she is a mortal too - no you know that too well, more like: she is mortal in spirit, she can channel pure unadulterated sinful humanity as well and so you can almost pretend sometimes to be her equal, saying her name over and over again late into the night before it almost loses meaning and you've doubled over onto yourself laughing no guffawing about her name as it loses all sense of semantics to you and it becomes a jumble of sounds and you almost can't and yet you almost unfailingly match it to the sound of comfort and warmth and love - yes it is love - but come the next morning you've worn out her name for a lifetime and you can't bring yourself to spoil something still yet so heartachingly beautiful)

\- but no this isn't the time for a dizzying reflection (this is your barrier so it is always time) and suddenly her name slides out of your mouth the way it should - as the undiluted pure emotion nothing but your love love love -

and her smiling face (the one thing you wanted to see one more time the one thing you would have done everything for - you already did) disappears unto

no it is not blood it is too pink no it is not her soul gem either it is too much liquid and all you can do it feel it - this is it, the sludge between your fingers - this is the girl you adore (present tense) so plainly and dearly and tenderly like no other - this is her essence this is who she is every smile and every tear the weight of every single timeline pressing down on her -

(and after all that, who was she as a mortal? because you knew her to be mortal too but yet you cannot paint out in particulars her mortality, every bit of her that screams human human human you know her only as a goddess and you in fact followed her everywhere and -)

in an instant all you want to do is collapse down, turn into yourself the pure self and join her almost, letting yourself and herself be together because you in an instant want to know her as a mortal and you want to collapse to weakness (you are a witch so you have already collapsed into yourself) and in an instant you recognize it the fact that:

your limbs feel right all of a sudden - too strong too scarred too acquainted with pain you can see every single faint mark on your hands that said "you handled a gun" - and suddenly your body is yours once again and you cannot at once fathom what led your body to revolt (of course it would revolt when your soul already did) but it cannot collapse until

you destroy yourself, watching all of it mix in together between your knuckles in a way to testify and you're watching yourself too many of you are watching yourself and you know each and every one of them begs to do the same, each and every one of them wants to feel how you feel with the awkward mixture of pink and purple bleeding onto your hands

too many of you are watching yourself they are all too frail to destroy yourself because at the end at the very end you are still in your body - the unbreakable one who sheltered too many timelines sapped the strength of too many versions of you in different timelines

and that's what you were doing above yourself wasn't it, every single one of you that was displaced when you moved back in time to do it again do it again and now this was it, the punishment of looking at chairs that were far too large that said something like -

"now look what you've done, now look at the space she has to fill empty space for such a small tender girl under your palms small tender human girl who couldn't fit in that chair until you nearly died and drove her into a corner and she is DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU she fits the chair but she's spread thin look -"

and you look at how little of her there is in your palms for a moment and then there is -

refrain: dewy grass and heavy panting, heavy sweating and -

there isn't a gun in your hands but you shoot yourself anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> can you believe i literally made an account just to post this shit i wrote at 3am when i couldn't fall asleep.


End file.
